With Claws and a Fierce Determination

An old man dies tonight. He's slipping away, and we all know it. We don't care. His own family just doesn't care. We drive back in these metal chariots twenty kms per hour slower than we would make this trip were we just going to the mall. Somewhere far away I can hear him crying. He's begging God to intervene. He's asking Death on his knees to spare him the sight of darkness. A little girl cries in the front yard. Her face all stained with tears and her heart rending itself open. Small children are always so empathetic like that.

Go back to sleep Go back to bed I heard that he can't anymore I heard him say it I heard the word home I heard it I did

They don't give a fuck about They don't They And I lean my head down now Carve out this pain I feel it in my chest But I know exactly where it's coming from Where it thrives and throbs and pulsates Breeding and ensuring its own survival I want to cut away this mass of nothing I want to take it I want to give it to you I want you to feel this It's getting worse And I know where this is heading Staring Glazed Still driving Feeling somehow invulnerable and yet like the weakest creature Feeling their drugs darting through my veins Telling me Go back to sleep Feeling it tell me things I never want to hear Picking apart my insides while simultaneously making bold statements about stabilization and recovery Bold The pain in my arm tells me I should be on that stretcher It simply refuses to go away

If I could just take this word salad emotional shove it make some sense get life and take a pill remember once a day and PRN I need this can't believe asleep on the couchfloor I'm slipping her shoes flying I hear he hates her he her he he he never told me I hope

I hope

Go back to sleep.

If I could just be ignorant. If I could just be someone. If I could be my someone. Someone else's someone. Someone at all. Why? He tells me I'm the better man. He tells me. He told me so. A better man than he. These poison dreams. I'm awake. I'm asleep. I'm awake. I'm not aware. I'm doing this. I'm not aware I'm doing this. This. The knife will slip right in. I promise, if you can just get on your knees. If you can just get on your knees and pray. I'll protect you. He'll be the one. You'll be OK, protected, OK? Pray for rain, pray for blue skies. Pray for sanity. I'm losing mine. It's going away, and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. It's leaving me. All I can do is watch the symptoms appear and multiply until it's gone. I've been fighting this cancer in my brain for so long now. But now I know I'm fucking losing.